Giving Up

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum wbt.

Give up?

After more than a year (it's almost the end of 2nd year), these cultural difference or in short culture shock started to take a toll on me. Meeting after meeting, she always said the same thing 'Theres not much improvement' and the thought of giving up always pop up in my mind.

Is this the right profession for me? Is this really the one for me?

Honestly, I really want to give up all of this and just pursue what I like the most. I love cooking, I like taking photos. But every time I thought about it, guilt started to sips through me. I thought about my mom. How will she react if I did that? What will be her reaction if she know that I've done something crazy? I know for sure that she'll be disappointed and I don't want that to happened.

Is this the right one for me? I want to do something that I like, that I love.

I don't want to do something just for the sake of someone.

But…. I'm kind of bluffing if I said that because know what? I did this course because of someone. Because of my family. Will they accept it if 5 years ago, I said to them that I want to study photography or culinary or art? The reaction will be the same as what my brother got when he said he want to take photography. And I know that. I know for sure how hard, how persistence my family can be when the decision of ones future came up.

I'm in lost. Loss of soul, loss of passion, loss of thought, loss of confidence.

Jealousy. My own inferior complex makes me a bit envious of my friend. I'm sure they have their own problems but the way the managed that, I would never achieve that. They have become a matured young woman I guess, which is a path that's far from me.

Give up? I'm giving up on myself. I know that HE will not place me here if I can't do it. I know that, yes, I know!

What happened today assure me about something.

I'm lost, lost deep in the dark ocean.

I thought about what happened few weeks ago.

'Ini checklist amalan sepanjang bulan. Kalau buat tick yg atas and kalau tak yang bawah and continue this for the next one'

And at the end of it, I got back at the same place. Started at 0 ended at 0. In short, I've never move. I was and am always at that starting line, didn't even move an inch.

I am who I am. Funny caused that will always be the same line I said to myself. Know what? I said it because of comfortness, I just want to comfort myself without doing anything.

'Bagai bangkai yang bernyawa. Hidup tak memberi apa-apa makna tetapi hanya menyusahkan orang lain'

Bangkai? It suit me I guess.

Please…

I hope that I can atleast find something while I'm doing this.

At least something that I can enjoy doing without fails.

Or,

I hope that I can find the one thing that suit me.

The one thing that can make me fully enjoy doing it.

People said.

Can I do this?

I don't really know if I have anymore strength to put on.

Funny.

Because I really want another opportunity to find the right one for me. 

Akmal

1633

18022014

Aku...

Aku? 

Siapa aku ni?

Aku buat apa kat sini?

Aku?

Aku makin hanyut.

Makin tenggelam ke dasar lautan dosa.

Makin sesak nafas.

Dada rasa berat.

Makin kelam pandangan.

Mata terasa dijahit.

Makin sayup gemaan suara.

Tapi.

Terasa ironinya keadaan aku.

Terasa diri menggelakkan diri.

Kenapa?

Seakan-akan

Nafas yang sesak itu.

Makin sesak setiap sedutan udara, makin terasa nikmat

Seakan-akan.

Kekaburan pandangan aku.

Makin terang penglihatan aku.

Seakan-akan.

Sayupnya gemaan suara itu.

Datang dari teriakan yang tidak pernah wujud.

Yang tidak pernah terluih akan mulut.

Tidak pernah walau sekali.

Siapa aku ni?

Kenapa hanyutan jasad aku ni,

Kenapa tenggelamnya tubuh ini,

Bagai tiada erti.

Bagai diri menenggelamkan diri.

Aku?

Ironi.

Aku tahu.

Aku sedar.

Aku mengerti.

Tapi.

Aku masih tetap dengan sauh yang terus menerus mengheret aku ke dasar yang tiada penghujung.

Masih tetap dengan pemberat itu.

Walau nafas semakin sempit.

Walau pandangan makin gelap.

Walau suara tiada dilontarkan.

Walau.

Walau aku tahu itu semua.

Ironi.

Bila diri mencarik diri.

Akmal

2134

17022014

Random While Travel

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Musafir di jalan Allah

Dalam mencari erti secebis kehidupan

Mendalami diri yang kian sasar

Mencari DIA melalui jalanNya.

Things I Realised

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Its been almost a month I think since my last post. There's so many things happened throughout these 4 weeks; exams, tutor meeting, programmes, practicals etc. 

And these few weeks have given me something to ponder upon, some feelings that can't be describe. I've felt something different. I need something different and that need is the need to change.

I need to change myself. Since coming here, I've lost a bit of self confident which impact me a lot. I talk less, much more less than I did before and to make it worst, I didn't even speak in a confident manner which then make me seen as a weak and vulnerable person and sometimes 'sombong' maybe. 

I thought that I was just afraid to speak English hence become less talkative. But, after my tutor meeting (the one conversation that make me realised the whole situation) I started to think that shyness and assertiveness wasn't the problems. It's not the problem. Why? Because I didn't have any problem when I want to give answer to a certain question, I didn't have any problem when I want to ask questions to the lecturer. These situations happened when I'm confident enough to talk, when I know and realised the need to speak.

But then, comes another problem. I can't just always be confident when the situation like 'I want to know' but I need confident in every possible situation.

I've come to think and realised that "Indeed, I've changed so much till the point that I'm not the same -confident and strong Akmal- like I used to be, but the Akmal that is so sensitive, vulnerable and diffident", even my mom said so.

It's not a bad thing, it's just that it'll affect my career as a professional who'll dealt with different kind of people. To be able to do that, I need to be strong, flexible and confident right? And to become one, I just don't know how.

But after going through these past few weeks, I've come to realise that is just who I am.

I can be so sensitive at one point but in seconds I couldn't care less. I can be too vulnerable, just a word from someone can make me tear up but at times I can be so forward and full of determination up to the point that I can make people become so annoyed. Shyness and assertiveness? I'll always be like that, I prefer it that way, but now I'm going to change according to situation and of course according to syariat.

Kawaii~~~ 

"Hey, be confident. I know you can do it. Don't be too afraid. There's nothing wrong if you make mistakes. Learn from it if you do"

Haha. Much of a split personality huh?!

I'm going to change, I will change. I'm going to improve my conversation skills (in English ofcourse and hopefully in another few languages as well, longing to learn other languages) and my self confident.

And to the far most part, I'm going to change myself for a better me. I will change, for a better muslim, a better MUSLIMAH. InsyaAllah.

...I know I can do this because HE know I can do it...

May Allah bless you. Assalamualaikum wbt.

NMG '13

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Fuhhh. Alhamdulillah. That painful finally end. But, when I think about it, its not that painful. It's just me who didn't set my mind in the right circumstances.

It's a week full of new things which I ended up thankful for.

Big event of that week was Nottingham Malaysian Games and Malaysian Food Festival.

I did joined netball competition which our group end up losing all of it =p (beginner lah katakan) and during the 4th game, our team member sprained her ankle (we lost that game too). Her injury was quite severe due to the fact that she can't even move her feet let alone walking. So, we decided to withdraw from the game (we didn't have anything to lose, so, why not right >_<). We rushed to find a first aider (agak pelik bila such a big games, but takda first aid kat netball court especially its one of the easiest sport for you to get injured easily) and knowing it could get worse, he suggested that we took her to the A&E (Accident and Emergency department at the Notts Hospital). After like 4 hours waiting there, with a 'singing' stomach, we're finally be able to go back. She just sprained her ankle, fortunately, no broken bone, Alhamdulillah. First thing we searched for when we arrived was 'the location of our food' which was bought by our friends (mana tak cari makanan dulu, dari pagi kot tak makan proper, just chocs and snacks).

Yes, we did missed almost half of things that happened in Notts Games and not to mention, one of the largest Malaysian Food Festival, but come to think of it, its an experience like no other. And I do believe that its the best thing for us to experience that. There's always a hidden message from HIM not allowing us to fully 'enjoy' the whole event. Hey, do I even know what that 'enjoy' is? Maybe, if I'm still at the Notts game that evening, I wouldn't have much to do and much enjoyment than what I've experienced. 

Everything that happened was meant for a/many reasons, its up to us to find it, dig it, realise it and be thankful for it. 

This is what I believe.

Ok, that's all for NMG '13. Not much to say really, but one thing for sure, InsyaAllah, if HE allow, I would like to go there once more, just for sightseeing. Hopefully it'll be soon, InsyaAllah.

Bye, 
Assalamualaikum wbt

p/s: correct me if what I'm writing turn out to be different than what I'm trying to say.