Well, it has been such a long time since I wrote something. It will be long as I have a lot to of things to talk about just to relieve a sense of loss within me and writing it helps so please bear with me. A lot of things happened within these past few months.
A path changing experience that broke me in pieces which is quite hard to glue myself back together. It still in pieces at the moment, I'm still searching for it. Sometimes I know where it is but I didn't have a glue with me to combine it with the others.
I'm still struggling, I can't deny that. Struggling to present myself in the best condition, with a smile and calm demeanor so people won't talk bad about you in front of your family because you know it will hurt them a lot. My family is all I've got.
I've seen enough of my mom's face when people talk about me of not finishing my studies and assuming all sorts of thing. I knew that she was disappointed in me but she didn't show it. Well, which mom would show her disappointing face to her children when she knows that they are having it hard as well. I would still tear up when I remember her voice during that decisive call of me saying I will be flying back home for good without any degree in my hand, of me saying I've been kicked out of the university due to unforeseen circumstances, of me saying that I failed to give her something. And all she said was 'Takpe lah, takde rezeki. Balik je lah, sambung kat sini. Sekurang-kurangnya dah dekat dgn ma, takde lah risau sgt. Duit nak sambung tu boleh cari'. I hold my breath to suppress the tears from falling and to prevent my mom from hearing my trembling voice. I really wanted to hug her that time because I'm all alone inside that monthly rented room. (Okay, I'm tearing up right now. Such a manja girl kan 😅. Well, I'm the youngest daughter, so you know 😝)
I've packed everything I have but there is something that I need to do and speak to some people that I cherish while I'm studying. There is a program scheduled just that weekend before I'm flying home. I purposely chose a flight that is after the event in order for me to at least tell them face to face the problems I'm having. I've told them the truth and only to them that I told what really happened. They are the only one I've fully put my trust one. I don't really have any good friends, so I truly cherish the one I trust as they are the only one who sees me and know that I'm hiding something, who accept me no matter how bad I am. Its hard to be go back home knowing that it might be the last time I'll see those faces, all of the conversations we had, the memories etc. because I don't really know how to mingle around, I don't really how to properly connect with someone.
Months past after I got back. People said that I'm slowly emotionally detached myself from the surrounding.
How? Why?
Well, I think that its better for me stop here and continue later. The writing helps a bit at the moment. It help me from having any wild thoughts.
Till next time. Bye and Assalamualaikum
p/s: pardon me for any grammar mistakes 😟
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