Bismillah. Assalamualaikum wbt.
Give up?
After more than a year (it's almost the end of 2nd year), these cultural difference or in short culture shock started to take a toll on me. Meeting after meeting, she always said the same thing 'Theres not much improvement' and the thought of giving up always pop up in my mind.
Is this the right profession for me? Is this really the one for me?
Honestly, I really want to give up all of this and just pursue what I like the most. I love cooking, I like taking photos. But every time I thought about it, guilt started to sips through me. I thought about my mom. How will she react if I did that? What will be her reaction if she know that I've done something crazy? I know for sure that she'll be disappointed and I don't want that to happened.
Is this the right one for me? I want to do something that I like, that I love.
I don't want to do something just for the sake of someone.
But…. I'm kind of bluffing if I said that because know what? I did this course because of someone. Because of my family. Will they accept it if 5 years ago, I said to them that I want to study photography or culinary or art? The reaction will be the same as what my brother got when he said he want to take photography. And I know that. I know for sure how hard, how persistence my family can be when the decision of ones future came up.
I'm in lost. Loss of soul, loss of passion, loss of thought, loss of confidence.
Jealousy. My own inferior complex makes me a bit envious of my friend. I'm sure they have their own problems but the way the managed that, I would never achieve that. They have become a matured young woman I guess, which is a path that's far from me.
Give up? I'm giving up on myself. I know that HE will not place me here if I can't do it. I know that, yes, I know!
What happened today assure me about something.
I'm lost, lost deep in the dark ocean.
I thought about what happened few weeks ago.
'Ini checklist amalan sepanjang bulan. Kalau buat tick yg atas and kalau tak yang bawah and continue this for the next one'
And at the end of it, I got back at the same place. Started at 0 ended at 0. In short, I've never move. I was and am always at that starting line, didn't even move an inch.
I am who I am. Funny caused that will always be the same line I said to myself. Know what? I said it because of comfortness, I just want to comfort myself without doing anything.
'Bagai bangkai yang bernyawa. Hidup tak memberi apa-apa makna tetapi hanya menyusahkan orang lain'
Bangkai? It suit me I guess.
Please…
I hope that I can atleast find something while I'm doing this.
At least something that I can enjoy doing without fails.
Or,
I hope that I can find the one thing that suit me.
The one thing that can make me fully enjoy doing it.
People said.
Can I do this?
I don't really know if I have anymore strength to put on.
Funny.
Because I really want another opportunity to find the right one for me.
Akmal
1633
18022014
