Trapped

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum wbt :)

I've failed again regarding 'updating my blog atleast XX per month -_-'

>.<


Trapped? Why?

I've been and still reading this manga called Literature Girl. I don't know how I found that, but it has become one of my favourite manga ;)

One of the story was closely related with Osamu Dazai's work titled Ningen Shikkaku (I first thought that it was a fictional novel --"). 

"....Ningen Shikkaku deals with a character hurtling headlong towards self-destruction, all the while despairing of the seeming impossiblity of changing the course of his life. The novel is told in a brutally honest manner, devoid of all sentimentality. The book is one of the classics of japanese literature and has been translated in several foreign languages.." 
[quoted from all-the-worth-trusty wiki]

Ok, now forget about the novel.

What really astonished me was the fact that in the manga, it portrays how most of us wearing a single mask just to fit in with the society around us. Put on a fake smile and chit-chatting happily with people, a forced behaviour. Some can pull it off amazingly and become a great actor without anyone noticing while some just can't. 

'You wear your mask naturally' -Quoted from Liar Game korean ver.

The same principle put in the drama. People often wear their own fake mask before stepping outside their comfort zone. As I said, some wear it naturally and some are forced to wear it. 

As stated in the drama, the reason that most of us wear it because of our surrounding and the basic of all, our aim.

If our aim is to please people, we will wear a mask that will make them 'like' us.

It may be ok for people who wear it naturally, with no pressure being put upon them, to act that way. But, what happened with people who force themselves to wear it so that he/she can be accepted in the society. How long will it last before that person break down? How long will it take for people around him/her to notice that the person they are talking to is not the real one?

But then again, is it really ok for us to leave the people who wear the mask naturally, as if nothings going on within them?

A mask that will torned the self from within. A mask that some of us may not even noticed that they're wearing it either all the time or sometimes. 

A so-called TRAPPED within our own mind.

Released that mask, move away from it. Put on the burden on your shoulder and live the life as the way it should be. Not the way the society portrayed. Smile brightly and Cry if the eyes can no longer hold onto the tears. Do things that you like even if people calls you crazy.

As for those who are watching these co-called normal behaviour, look back again at our family, our friend, our colleague etc, look again at their faces when talking. If you can see through them, help them with their problems. Even a short text will do such as "stay strong, I'll always be besides you, insyaAllah" etc. By Allah's will, I'm sure that it'll help those people who are scared to take off their mask.

As for us, GET BACK to HIM and STAYS with HIM is the only way for us to rip off the mask from our face, our mind, our soul. The one and only way.

Wallahu'alam.

I'm sorry if what I'm babbling about makes no sense --" and its a melancholic one >.<

Thats it for now. Bye,


Assalamualaikum wbt :)

Giving Up

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum wbt.

Give up?

After more than a year (it's almost the end of 2nd year), these cultural difference or in short culture shock started to take a toll on me. Meeting after meeting, she always said the same thing 'Theres not much improvement' and the thought of giving up always pop up in my mind.

Is this the right profession for me? Is this really the one for me?

Honestly, I really want to give up all of this and just pursue what I like the most. I love cooking, I like taking photos. But every time I thought about it, guilt started to sips through me. I thought about my mom. How will she react if I did that? What will be her reaction if she know that I've done something crazy? I know for sure that she'll be disappointed and I don't want that to happened.

Is this the right one for me? I want to do something that I like, that I love.

I don't want to do something just for the sake of someone.

But…. I'm kind of bluffing if I said that because know what? I did this course because of someone. Because of my family. Will they accept it if 5 years ago, I said to them that I want to study photography or culinary or art? The reaction will be the same as what my brother got when he said he want to take photography. And I know that. I know for sure how hard, how persistence my family can be when the decision of ones future came up.

I'm in lost. Loss of soul, loss of passion, loss of thought, loss of confidence.

Jealousy. My own inferior complex makes me a bit envious of my friend. I'm sure they have their own problems but the way the managed that, I would never achieve that. They have become a matured young woman I guess, which is a path that's far from me.

Give up? I'm giving up on myself. I know that HE will not place me here if I can't do it. I know that, yes, I know!

What happened today assure me about something.

I'm lost, lost deep in the dark ocean.

I thought about what happened few weeks ago.

'Ini checklist amalan sepanjang bulan. Kalau buat tick yg atas and kalau tak yang bawah and continue this for the next one'

And at the end of it, I got back at the same place. Started at 0 ended at 0. In short, I've never move. I was and am always at that starting line, didn't even move an inch.

I am who I am. Funny caused that will always be the same line I said to myself. Know what? I said it because of comfortness, I just want to comfort myself without doing anything.

'Bagai bangkai yang bernyawa. Hidup tak memberi apa-apa makna tetapi hanya menyusahkan orang lain'

Bangkai? It suit me I guess.

Please…

I hope that I can atleast find something while I'm doing this.

At least something that I can enjoy doing without fails.

Or,

I hope that I can find the one thing that suit me.

The one thing that can make me fully enjoy doing it.

People said.

Can I do this?

I don't really know if I have anymore strength to put on.

Funny.

Because I really want another opportunity to find the right one for me. 

Akmal

1633

18022014

Words 2

I'm trying to change,

change to a better person.

If the changes causes you any harm,

I'm truly sorry.

But,

Please,

Understandable,

That's all I want you to be.

And for that,

I'll try to be one to.

I'm sorry...