A Trip to Avoid The Wilderness of Thoughts

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Well, it has been such a long time since I wrote something. It will be long as I have a lot to of things to talk about just to relieve a sense of loss within me and writing it helps so please bear with me. A lot of things happened within these past few months. 

A path changing experience that broke me in pieces which is quite hard to glue myself back together. It still in pieces at the moment, I'm still searching for it. Sometimes I know where it is but I didn't have a glue with me to combine it with the others.

I'm still struggling, I can't deny that. Struggling to present myself in the best condition, with a smile and calm demeanor so people won't talk bad about you in front of your family because you know it will hurt them a lot. My family is all I've got. 

I've seen enough of my mom's face when people talk about me of not finishing my studies and assuming all sorts of thing. I knew that she was disappointed in me but she didn't show it. Well, which mom would show her disappointing face to her children when she knows that they are having it hard as well. I would still tear up when I remember her voice during that decisive call of me saying I will be flying back home for good without any degree in my hand, of me saying I've been kicked out of the university due to unforeseen circumstances, of me saying that I failed to give her something. And all she said was 'Takpe lah, takde rezeki. Balik je lah, sambung kat sini. Sekurang-kurangnya dah dekat dgn ma, takde lah risau sgt. Duit nak sambung tu boleh cari'. I hold my breath to suppress the tears from falling and to prevent my mom from hearing my trembling voice. I really wanted to hug her that time because I'm all alone inside that monthly rented room. (Okay, I'm tearing up right now. Such a manja girl kan 😅. Well, I'm the youngest daughter, so you know 😝)

I've packed everything I have but there is something that I need to do and speak to some people that I cherish while I'm studying. There is a program scheduled just that weekend before I'm flying home. I purposely chose a flight that is after the event in order for me to at least tell them face to face the problems I'm having. I've told them the truth and only to them that I told what really happened. They are the only one I've fully put my trust one. I don't really have any good friends, so I truly cherish the one I trust as they are the only one who sees me and know that I'm hiding something, who accept me no matter how bad I am. Its hard to be go back home knowing that it might be the last time I'll see those faces, all of the conversations we had, the memories etc. because I don't really know how to mingle around, I don't really how to properly connect with someone. 

Months past after I got back. People said that I'm slowly emotionally detached myself from the surrounding. 

How? Why?

Well, I think that its better for me stop here and continue later. The writing helps a bit at the moment. It help me from having any wild thoughts.

Till next time. Bye and Assalamualaikum

p/s: pardon me for any grammar mistakes 😟

3ak

1124 

11072018

Randomness Exam

(29.12.2016)

Stress dengan paper/slides/notes etc. Buka folder gambar, tiba-tiba rindu random things buat time exam week 

1)Definitely rindu 24/7 library, lagi-lagi time winter sebab malam panjang. Pergi library terus after isya' and stay up sampai subuh (partly sebab takut dah nak balik malam-malam seorg diri ). Pergi student's center sebenarnya, bukan library. Sebab library bising, so turun cafe bawah yang sunyi and open sikit plus plug banyak and meja besar. Disebabkan besar, berterabur lah segala nota-nota, buat macam meja sendiri je 

2) Costa and yazoo and baking and cooking. Costa dah ada kat sini, yazoo mana entah nak cari, baking and cooking memang taklah kalau dah namanya duduk hostel . Time exam and stress, masa itu juga lah nak masak makanan yang pelik, craving foods yang bukan-bukan. Rezeki dapat housemate yang terima je walaupun tak sedap 

3) Last one. Berjalan or merayau seorang diri or even dengan orang lain pun. Pergi bradford city, pergi leeds, pergi hiking, and tempat-tempat lain. Time exam tu, tapi pergi sehari je lah . Mengejar train tak kira masa (tak pernah nak belajar dri silap sblm ). Ada yang kejar sampai salah masuk train . Berjalan ditengah sesak orang and sunyinya alam (Padahal kat sini boleh je )

(Ada je yang tak best time over stress tu macam tak sedar tgh demam panas, tiba-tiba homesick, menangis tiba-tiba, rasa hopeless etc. Tapi takde lah nak amik gambar kan )

All the best yang exam  120% and beyond (terigat plak meeting 120% dlu )

Done. Nanti rindu, buka folder memories, merepek lagi 

Bye, Assalamualaikum 😄

A strange life?

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Took me awhile to write and post this. For more than a year, I don’t know who to talk to. I find peace while praying but the feeling keep coming back.

The fear,

The tears,

The trembling,

The headache.

All at once.

After the unexpected incidence, I came back home hoping for a better change. But I just don’t know. I started my journey back to be an optometrist at IIUM, but the feelings still there, the fear stills there, but the passion weren't there.

It fall without notice and that make me burst into tears. I had to cover my face so that my roommate can’t hear it. Again today, I felt like crying. I know it is not a great solution to my problem but it relieve me from the ache and the miserable feelings I felt.

Is it because of the stress due to upcoming exam?

Or is it because of the trauma from back then?

I don’t know.

I’m still trembling while writing this. I wanted to cry so much so that I can let it out from my physical body for a while, but the tears won’t come out. I wanted to shout, but I will disturb them in the room. I wanted to let it all out just for tonight, but I don’t know how.

Friends?

All of them have carved their own path and certainly have their own troubles to deal with. I don’t want to burden them.

Family?

We’ve experiencing a lot of things this year. From financial problems to my academic status to losing a dear family member and a lot more. How could I tell them all of the feelings inside me when they, my mother especially are having a much more difficult time.

Is it the right path?

I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it better. All at the same time, the fear and the trauma from before struck me. Then, I start to feel blank and empty again.

I’m certainly not alone, I know. If not them, HE will always be there.

I know for certain that I will cry my heart out if a person, dear or strangers, ask if I’m okay just because they feel like I’m not.

My family supported me, same with the lecturers and friends. But the support come with an expectation as well, one that I’m not sure if I can fulfill it.

No! I don’t want to live my life fulfilling others expectation. I know where I want to go, what I want to do. But the passion weren’t there inside me.

And I keep remembering the past.

I felt like stranger living a stranger’s life.

30102016, 2000

That Broken Crane

That crane,
Was flying freely in the blue sky,
Step on the ground once in a while,
It flew again to reach the highest possible,
Higher and higher,
That crane,
Was flying freely above the greeny roof,
Slows down and stop on a branch,
It flew again without stop,
Farther and farther,
That crane,
While following the right path,
Stumble upon the unseen,
Broken to pieces,
It fell to the ground,
Hard and harsh,
That crane,
Lay on the ground,
Then look to the sky,
That broken crane,
Will start to fly again.

(3ak, 0109, 03012016)

Hope

Hurdle after hurdle,
I've stumbled,
I failed,
I cried,
An emotional roller coaster for a whole year,
But this time,
I trip again,
A hard and harsh one,
I bleed and bleed,
Covered in red liquid,
A bruise and bloated face,
I tried to put on a smile,
But nobody cares,
I tried to smile,
Not for others,
But for myself,
For myself,
To remain calm,
To remain hopeful,
To remain in grateful,
For the opportunity,
For the sick and sad,
For the tears and smile,
For everything and anything,
To get better once,
When the sun shine,
I would be able to smile fully,
Without fear of breaking,
Hope,
The only thing I have left.

02092015 1441